Ian's Winter Weather Survival Guide!

Today is the coldest day of the year. It’s so cold, the national television networks have been dropping some of their poorest souls into Minneapolis to report on how it is that 3.5 million people can properly function in this coldest of American cities. Since they’re likely not going to venture far enough outside their warm hotel rooms to find me sitting in my favorite coffee shop on this frigid afternoon, I thought I would instead spare them the shivers and share some of my winter weather survival tips via the internet.

Ian’s Winter Weather Survival Guide

1. Stop Complaining. You are not the only one who is cold. Everyone is. And saying how much you hate it when it gets this cold is not going to make Mother Nature say “You know, you’re right… this whole cold thing was a bad idea. 78 degrees for everyone!” If you don’t like the weather here, fly south. But first, try the not-complaining thing. You’ll be a lot happier, and all that hot air you’ll conserve by keeping your mouth shut will keep you all the warmer…

2. Dress Warm. This is so easy, and yet it seems to be so hard for some people. I know all the hottest fashions coming out of New York, Los Angeles, and Paris don’t involve winter jackets and knit hats, but then, how often does it get below zero in those cities? New Yorkers would get meaner, LA would cease to function, and Paris would probably revert to 1870 Siege form and begin eating their pets for dinner. These are not people we want to emulate. Instead, in Minneapolis we take our fashion cues from those farther north… Norwegian sweaters, Inuit parkas, Canadian Sorel pack boots, knitted wool hats, mittens, and scarves. I prefer to wear a Columbia ski jacket, a knitted hat, and fleece-lined gloves. Yeah, I might look a little frumpy, and my hair gets messed up and it takes a little while to get dressed, but I don’t regret it for a moment when I step outside and the first breath I inhale dries out my lungs and makes my nose hairs freeze. Layer up. And if your body will allow…

3. Grow a Beard. Sorry ladies. You’ll have to figure something else out. You would not look good with a beard. For guys, however, this is a must. Nothing keeps your face warmer. And nothing can make you look more rustic and yet… classy… at the same time. For those dudes who can’t grow beards yet, keep trying. The more your shave, the more grows back. You’ll get there. And on your way there…

4. Drive Smart. Seriously, don’t be stupid. Allow your car to warm up. And when it’s snowing outside, drive steadily - not slow, not fast, but steadily. Driving slow causes more accidents than driving fast- the idiot doing 70 in his SUV will put himself in a ditch; the person driving 15mph slower than everyone else and constantly riding the brake will cause the spinout, and the 15-car pile-up that will follow. Keep a steady speed, as close to the speed limit as the conditions will allow, and don’t make any sudden moves. Keep your wheels straight, turn slowly, change lanes carefully, and again I say: lay off the brakes! When you have to, brake gently, and gradually. Learn to use the “2” and the “3” below the “D” on your shifter - they allow you to brake using your transmission, and will keep you from spinning your tires at every stoplight. Braking sounds great on paper, but it’s bad for you and your health. And speaking of your health…

5. Eat More Food. There’s a reason why we subconsciously seem to eat more during the holidays. See, your body already knows it’s going to get this cold. And so it feeds itself, stocking up for the next 3 months. It’s okay to carry around a few extra pounds in the winter. I saw an article posted on the website of the StarTribune, the local daily tabloid newspaper, trying to tell us all how to shed those holiday pounds and stay fit during the winter months. To which I tried to imagine what the columnist had in mind was the point. “By all means, stress out over your figure in January! You may have to dress like you’re about to pop, but under all those layers there needs to be a slender, tan, beautiful woman ready to shed the North Face garb and prance about in a swimsuit at Lake Calhoun!” Nevermind that Calhoun Beach is a snowdrift right now. And if you’re dressed for all to see that perfect figure, you’re probably one of the cold complainers, and you won’t find sympathy from hardly anyone. Go grab a burger and one of our fine microbrewed beers, and suspend the calorie counting for a few months. But if you insist on remaining active…

6. Learn to Enjoy a Winter Sport. “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!” If winter gets you down, take that cold beast and say “I hate you so much, I’m going to ENJOY you!” A Minnesota winter is full of all kinds of opportunity for activity. Go down to Play-It-Again Sports and pick up a pair of ice skates. They’ll run you about $20-30, and it’s like having a free pass to walk on water. Go slide around on a lake. Or shoot a puck around at the park down the street. Skating not your thing? Try broomball: it's like hockey's equivalent to bar-league softball. You could also get into cross country skiing. Our parks and trails are just as beautiful in the winter as they are in the summer, and you don’t even have to worry about the bugs and poison oak. Or grab a pair of snowshoes and go for a hike. You can even stay inside and burn plenty of calories watching a hockey game. And you won’t even have to bundle up. But that takes away from one of the most satisfying perks of the winter…

7. Learn to Enjoy a Hot Beverage. There’s nothing like coming in out of the cold and sipping a steaming hot cup of hot chocolate. Or coffee, for that matter. Tea is good, too. I know some people who wouldn’t drink a hot liquid if their insides were turning to ice. This is usually the Diet Coke/Iced Skim Mocha/Evian-bottled-water crowd. You’ve got to kick those habits, at least for the winter. For the Diet Coke crowd, learn to drink coffee. It’s got the caffeine and that same bitter kick, and you can put all the sweetened carcinogens in it that you’d like, lest you lose the perks of drinking your Coke. For the Iced Mocha crowd, hot chocolate is your answer. It’s sweet, it’s soothing, and your chocolate addiction will remain intact. Maybe even try your mocha hot. And for you bottled-water drinkers, tea is for you. It’s like your Evian, only hot. In fact, you could probably just heat up your Evian and use that to steep your tea in. And tea drinkers seem to develop that same sort of religious loyalty that bottled-water drinkers have to their brand. You could obsess over which brand of Earl Grey you prefer, or become a rooibos aficionado, or learn about the characteristics of the terroir and growing season in regions of China you never cared to know existed. The opportunities are endless, but for goodness’ sake, it’s cold outside: drink something hot! But when even the hot beverages aren’t enough to warm your soul…

8. Smartwool Socks. I’ve never tried it before, but I’m pretty sure you could be stark naked and a pair of Smartwool socks could almost keep your whole body warm. Almost. I bought a pair my first winter in Minnesota, then bought a second pair with which to alternate, and they’ve now thrived for 7 winters. They are warm, and they are cozy. And since you’re not going to prance around the house naked, they are a wonderful compliment to…

9. Woolrich Pajamas. Another first-winter purchase, they’ve lasted just as long as the Smartwools. They are very comfy and warm, and they can also make great long underwear. Basically anything made of wool is great. Get some. And since you’ll need a good excuse to sit and sip your aforementioned hot beverage while dressed in your aforementioned wooly garments…

10. Find a Good Book and Read It. Winter is a great time for fiction, so shed the cold weather and get lost in a story that takes place somewhere warm, or wherever you would like to find yourself. Right now, I am reading The Golden Compass which is, ironically, the first book in a trilogy about a little girl who has an obsession with the North, goes to the Arctic, makes friends with polar bears and travels to parallel universes by way of the Northern Lights. Go figure. But lastly, and most importantly…

11. Enjoy ALL The Seasons. You’ve only got four of them. And each one of them is great in its own right. I prefer fall and winter, but also enjoy the fresh feeling of spring. I even enjoy lazy, hot summer days dipping in the lake, tossing a Frisbee, sipping brewskies and grilling out. So if you hate winter, you’re in luck: spring will come, and then summer, and it will be warm again. Be patient, like I was on all those humid, 90-degree days during the summer. I loathe hot weather, but I know it’s coming and I’m okay with that… the crisp fall will follow, and I can live in my hoodie for a couple of months, and then get juiced over snowstorms and sub-zero temperatures all over again, like I am right now. Your season will come. If the weather was all the same, it would become an incredibly boring, monotonous existence. What would we have to look forward to? I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes, from George Santayana:

"To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring."